Learning Through Fear

We hosted our first “Kaffee und Kuchen” today. Martin biked to the bakery to pick out several cakes (the Kuchen). I opted to make tea instead of coffee (the Kaffee).  Then I made a top secret American addition to our event.

In Germany, “Kaffee und Kuchen” is served at exactly 4:00.  It’s the classic German social hour.  You’ll see signs at cafes that host Kaffee und Kuchen.  You might also get a peek in someone’s window and see a group of gabbers.

Our doorbell rang, and our little party began around our little table.

I ate cake slower than anyone else.  It’s funny because I also talked the least.

As it turns out, I cannot eat neatly, taste, and understand German all at once.

Fortunately, Martin was amazing at keeping teacups filled and cake on plates.  He and I were the only English speakers.

There was a time when meeting with older German speakers around the table would make me feel so alone. I would have absolutely no idea what was going on.  I would want to cry.  I would want to just leave and go read a book.  Disappear.  Each time there was a laugh, I’d feel even more isolated.  My brain felt like someone had placed a big, thick glass between me and everyone else.  I thought that if I could just disappear, I could be happy.

My brain told me that the people around the table did not want me there.  I was convinced.  (And I was soo, soo wrong.)

Those were the days that I wanted to always be comfortable.  I wanted to make sense of everything around me.  I wanted the least amount of change from the American world where I could understand.

Those were horrible demands for a life in a foreign country!  (not to mention foreign in-laws!)

When we’d sit around the table, Martin was really awesome with trying to connect me to everyone else.  I kept thinking, “I will learn German.  I will learn German.”  I guess that my mind was telling me if I spoke the language, everything would be perfect.  Poof.

Those days, I chose based on fear.

Sometimes I still see myself making decisions in Germany based on fear.

But I’ve also learned to follow my heart. To hold bravery.  To be okay with the enormous unknown.  I conquered something big today.  In my heart, I realized it wasn’t so big and fearful as I thought.  It wasn’t the all horrible thing expats so often gasp about.

Yes!  I’m learning to face more fears here.  Seriously, every day comes with new victories.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time to those days when I felt so alone at the table.  Ha – I think I’d trick that girl to check out Making This Home.  I’d tell her about this confident expat.  I’d tell her about joy.  I’d tell her that the language isn’t the most important part of connecting with others.  It’s not what your brain says is logical.  It’s all in the heart.  It’s all the kinds of things I get each time I connect with one of YOU.

meeting in person : sweet Juliette of Zu Haus in Germany + me

So readers, thank you.  I know I would never be so brave or so in love with this foreign world if I didn’t have you to share life with.

If there were a way, I’d squeeze all of us into this little apartment.  We could have Kaffee und Kuchen and…. ummm… lemonade!  Oh yes!  Our little party sampled some cool homemade lemonade.  My surprise for our table was a little splash of Americana.  It was my contribution.  It was a piece of me. And the little taste test was a hit.